The Thin Thick Line
by lapsi
Summary: Kaoru whispered, “What’s more important? Friendship or love? [KaoruxHaruhi, I suppose? But mostly a bit of reflection on KaoruHaruhiHikaru relationship. One Shot]


**Title:** The Thin-Thick Line  
**Rating:** G  
**Series:** Ouran High Host Club  
**Characters:** Kaoru, Haruhi  
**Notes:** Possibly the longest and the most haphazardly pieced together fanfic I've ever written.  
**Warning(s):** Takes place after chapter 51 of the manga. I think. And before 52. I think. Whichever chapters that are where Kaoru broke all our hearts and then handed it back to us carefully pieced together with a pretty pink ribbon on top.  
**Summary:** A bit of reflecting, a bit of searching, a lot of not really knowing where he stands.

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**The Thin-Thick Line**

_A fanfic_

Kaoru whispered, "What's more important? Friendship or love?"

"Umm…" Haruhi thought about it. They were in the library, and trying to be quiet so Kaoru couldn't rush her and she took all the time she needed before answering, "Well, I think that depends. Isn't friendship a type of love?"

Kaoru wiggled uncomfortably in his seat. "Do you love your friends?"

"Umm…" Again she thought about it, but Kaoru didn't think she should have had to.

"Is it that hard of a question?" he asked.

"No. Well, yes." She finally looked up from her textbook. "I don't think I've ever consciously thought 'I love my friends.'"

"But isn't that something you should know already?" He leaned foreword across the table; closing the distance it created between them, he peered intently into her eyes. Maybe if he stared hard enough he'd find a way to look into her thoughts.

Haruhi shrugged. "I don't know how anyone could respond so frankly when asked that. How can you when you haven't thought it before? It doesn't seem like something people ask in normal conversations."

"Well I just asked you. Here it is, right in front of us. Have at you. Think, Haruhi. Think." He tapped her temple lightly with a long finger. "So do you love your friends? And really, _think about it_."

"Hmm…" She thought for a very long time. Kaoru couldn't hold back his indignant, impatient huff.

"Are you saying you hate us?" he said a little exasperatingly.

"I don't _hate_ you all," she said.

"Haruhi!"

She sighed, "Kaoru, talking about love is so tiresome."

He fell back in his chair, arms crossed and lips pouted. "I can't believe you hate your friends."

"I just said I didn't hate," she said, guilelessly.

He looked away. "Don't love," he corrected himself.

Haruhi sighed again. She closed her book and put it away. Kaoru risked a peek out of the corner of his eyes. He watched in apprehensive wonder as she leaned against the table, and settled her chin in her palm. "Look, Kaoru."

He didn't. But he listened.

"I never think, looking at you all, 'I love these people. They are my friends, and I love them.' It's seems so unnecessary. And didn't you just say that these aren't things you should have to think about?"

"_Still_," he whirled back to her attention, ardently. "You're saying, Haruhi, that you have never actually considered whether or not you love us! Friendship is a sort of love, says you, and we are your friends, so naturally, you should love us."

"Exactly," she said.

He was suddenly deeply confused.

Haruhi smiled at him. "Naturally, you said, and you're completely right. Things like that don't really have to be thought about." Kaoru was still so lost, so she elaborated. "Feelings, Kaoru, feelings. They're not meant to be thought about. It's not your brain's job; it's your heart's. This sounds really, well, this entire conversation is, mm, how should I say it without being so frank…"

"Just say it," said Kaoru. "Either way, it will be blunt coming from you."

"…Impractical," she said, which was the nicest way she could put it but still very blatant. "All this talk about love and hearts, it's really a very difficult topic, and it seems so cliché and I'd honestly be thinking about other less-complicated things but…like I said. People shouldn't really think about love. They should just know."

"Knowing is thinking," he said.

"Know with their _heart_. How corny, but yes, they should _feel_. Feelings are meant to be felt." She paused. "Unless of course, comes the situation where someone is told that they are loved. Then of course, is when you also _know_. Literally."

He understood. So many things were conveyed in what she had just said. Haruhi was always a mystery that way, the tiniest things she mentioned carelessly tended to have some sort of meaning for everyone else. She probably didn't notice it—she _definitely _didn't notice it, but she was thinking more deeply than most people he knew. He appreciated it, despite how hard it was sometimes to find some better meaning in her words, because in the end it seemed to guide him along.

He wondered if it was the same for Hikaru.

"But, you know, I wasn't referring to love like that," he admitted after a long pause.

Haruhi blinked faintly at him.

"I was thinking…something more…" he struggled.

"Mm?" She made an inquiring sound in the back of her throat.

"Intense," he finally decided on the word, sounding uncertain.

"Kaoru…" she said, surprised and beginning to grow a little concerned. "What do you mean? I think anything more than that love turns out a little…ah…dangerous? Scandalous? I don't know how to put it…and aren't you a bit young?"

He was appalled. Lost for all words but one, no, two; "Please. Stop."

She merely blinked, mouth gaping slightly, having completely misunderstood what he meant and now seriously concerned for him. Kaoru sighed, moaned, groaned, then shook his head and covered his eyes as if to escape her gaze.

"Anyway, what's wrong with you?" Kaoru flinched when she said that, but Haruhi had meant no harm. "You don't seem yourself today."

He peeked over his hand at her. "Oh?"

"You're more like Hikaru," she said, a little worried. But a different kind than she was before. Kaoru didn't know why.

"Well we _are_ twins," he said.

"No. Stop that. You know that's not true."

He looked up at her.

"I mean…" She withdrew, exhaled, closed her eyes, and said more carefully, "Kaoru, no two things are exactly the same. It's just the way of nature. Genetics prove it. You and Hikaru may _seem_ identical, but if you break it down one by one, you really aren't."

He dreaded that she would fall into some scientific topic. He didn't want to end this one yet.

But she continued, "And Kaoru, I think you should know that while people see you two as a whole, they are seeing you as two different people making a whole."

He and Hikaru, Hikaru and him. Two but one. Not one, but two. Yet right now it seemed more distant than ever.

"I don't know, Haruhi," he sighed, already tired and bored with the topic. "So many people have given us the 'you are two not one' talk. It doesn't even seem real anymore."

"When things don't seem real, could possibly be the point when they are real," Haruhi warned wisely. Kaoru didn't comprehend, but didn't bother to ask her to explain.

For a moment they each returned to their studies, ducking their heads down to the books and pressing noses into paper and pencil, inhaling the smell of academics. Haruhi was already lost in its maze when Kaoru lifted his head, his pencil tapping thoughtfully at his chin and said again, "So Friendship and love? What's the difference?"

"I remember saying Friendship is a type of love, I believe. I won't say it again. Any more and I'll just keep repeating myself. Besides I don't think there's a concrete definition for them. Everyone is different." She didn't look up, and scratched away at the paper almost furiously with her pencil.

"No, no, no," he shook his head each time he said it. "Let me try this again. The love we're—you're speaking of, let's say, if we were to think of it in English, it's a lower case l."

"Analogies are confusing," Haruhi complained, "Especially when grouped with foreign languages. Confusing and bothersome."

"Hear me out," Kaoru said. "So on that note, let's say that the lower case l, _love_,is the general type of love. The love you give to everyone."

"I don't think you can distinguish love." Haruhi finally looked up to give him a hesitant frown. "Prioritizing it seems a bit…cheap."

Kaoru didn't understand her. Of course things were distinguished! He and Hikaru had always ranked everything that was important to them, it was essential when interacting with other people; the lower someone's rank was, the less attention they received. Surely she knew that, after all as of now she was—

Kaoru halted. Who was number one? He didn't remember. Haruhi? Or……

All of the sudden he was frightened, and very lost. A hand jumped to his forehead and he pressed his palm against his right eye, leaving his left to stare blankly at the tabletop.

"Kaoru?" Haruhi asked, her voice weighed with worry. The sound of her voice somehow brought him back, and looking up he forced a laugh; it was too wild and too loud, but he hoped she wouldn't notice.

"You know, for a moment, I was really confused."

"About what?"

Kaoru only grinned mischievously. "Matters that are not for your pretty head, anyway, stop interrupting. What was I saying? Oh, okay, let's say that besides _love _there's also _Love_. With a capital L. This is the Love that you give to special people, to people who are exceptionally close to you."

"Like family and very good friends," she pointed out.

"There's one example, another example is…say…boyfriends and girlfriends."

"Oh."

"You've never thought about this, have you?" he asked lamely.

"You don't really think about—"

"I got that," he said, waving a hand sharply. "You _feel_." She nodded. He rolled his eyes. "Anyway, Haruhi, do you think Friendship is easily Love? I know it's hard to define, but I want _your_ personal opinion. You said Friendship of a type of love right? Lower case love is something you give to everyone, but love is Love, in a way. Love is something you give to _really _special people. Could they be the same? Does it make sense to say that you could love and Love a friendship? A Friend? That is, what I meant to say would be…" he scratched his head and drew his eyebrows tightly together. This was so hard to explain!

Haruhi seemed to get it though, despite his incoherency and jumbled thoughts. "Are you trying to say, do you think Friendship could develop into Love?" She said it so _clearly_.

"Yes! What do you think, Haruhi?"

"It depends," she said, "I personally would find it difficult to transgress from one feeling to another with a person." This disheartened him a little, but hadn't he already known this about her? Haruhi kept talking, but he was too busy thinking to listen to her. So maybe it wasn't Love? Maybe he was mistaking it. Perhaps because he was always with Hikaru, and like Haruhi said, they always tried to imitate each other. Maybe Hikaru's feelings had rubbed off on him at some point. But then again, who was to say that _his_ feelings hadn't rubbed off on Hikaru? Yes, he hadn't noticed or shown any other form of affection outside of _buddies_ for Hikaru on the exterior, but maybe his _interior_ had somehow shined through. Maybe…maybe…

Everything was so _**confusing**_!

"But everything does take time," Haruhi finished, thoughtfully.

"It's a really thin line," he said, snapping back to attention. But he agreed with her.

Haruhi shook her head at him. "I don't think so. There's a certain moment that takes for you to get from one place to another, no matter what the distance. And even short distances can seem and take a while to cross. I don't see why Friendship and Love is any different. Everything takes time and time requires patience. Sometimes you don't get it despite at all that….you know, you're really like Hikaru today."

"You said we couldn't be alike!"

"No, not exactly, but you can _act_ and _seem_ the same. Which is what you two try to do everyday. With that game."

Kaoru wailed. His poor head. "Why are you so _confusing_?"

"I thought I was very clear," said Haruhi, now confused as well. Kaoru only shook his head remorsefully. "Anyway, talking about love, or Love, is bound to be confusing. It's a very complicated subject. But, I think I understand what you're trying to say."

"No you don't," he said, doubtfully.

"I try," she said. Then she smiled so patently at him that he was forced to back down. She went back to her book, and Kaoru, suddenly disinterested in his studies, watched her.

"I love you," he said, but it was said so fast and sudden that Haruhi might as well have listened to him speak Pig Latin. It didn't matter anyway; he was mostly testing it. Trying the phrase out, seeing how it sounded falling (haphazardly) out of his mouth. Observing the difference of saying it to someone he Loved.

Or so he presently thought.

And the word, the phrase, the 'I Love You,' sounded awkwardly for some reason. It was knotted and he had trouble forming and getting the words out, and only said it quickly enough to get it over with. It was lonely. And half empty.

_Half_.

Where was the other half?

_His _half

"Can I hold your hand?" he asked instead. Immediately he felt ridiculous. It was something The Lord would have done, flushing and withdrawing shyly, just anticipating the small quiver of happiness of winning and having privilege of holding the girl's hand. He still, Kaoru noted, thought of her as a bit of a prize. _Their_ prize. A habit he and Hikaru (Hikaru Hikaru Hikaru!) had still not quite gotten over.

Of course, The Lord always thought of Haruhi as his daughter, so it was different from Kaoru. Sure, Kaoru felt he Loved Haruhi, too, but how he and The Lord perceived her was still slightly, mostly, entirely, utterly different. Ah, wait; there was a good example of Haruhi's _Don't Think, Feel Love_ Theory. The Lord always THOUGHT he loved Haruhi, but only as a daughter. Kaoru was sure The Lord FELT differently. His love was…well, it was only speculation, but in deep, hidden reality…_Love_. With a capital L that really distinguished it from the common lower case meant-for-everyone-else l.

As Kaoru Loved Haruhi.

He thought. He was still unsure.

"I'm kinda reading," she said, and held up her book to show him.

"Please," he said.

"Why?"

He didn't have an answer; he just looked at her with the most innocent face he could make.

"It's so inconvenient…" she protested.

"Only for a little bit."

Haruhi struggled, and considered the efficiency of getting through her book with one hand restricted by Kaoru. But looking at his face it oddly reminded her of Tamaki-senpai, or her dad and she had never been as good as she may have seemed on rejecting them. Besides, Kaoru never asked her anything like this before.

She gave in. "If it makes you feel better…" she guessed.

Grinning, he took her hand and held it tightly.

She sighed. "You all are so eccentric."

He was still holding Haruhi's hand when Hikaru came back, having found the books he wanted. Kaoru met Hikaru's gaze, and Hikaru quickly averted it, only to land on their hands. Hikaru first looked confused, then embarrassed, and finally a little annoyed. Maybe angry. Yet Kaoru knew it wasn't so much as out of possessiveness over Haruhi, but rather over him, Kaoru, his twin, his brother, his best friend. Hikaru was selfish, he wanted both, but he didn't know how to achieve that. He didn't know how to focus on one of them, without being awkward with the other. At least, not right now.

Hikaru kept starting. Kaoru thought to let go of Haruhi's hand. He knew he should, he _wanted_ to. But he didn't.

"Ah, Hikaru," Haruhi acknowledged, "Did you find your book?"

Hikaru muttered something; turning beat red much to Haruhi's puzzle, and turned on his heel and dove back between the bookshelves.

Haruhi pursed her lips. "He's so weird. I mean, more than usual."

"Hm," said Kaoru. His stomach was suddenly a little upset. To distract his mind from it, he asked yet again, "So what really _is_ more important. Friendship or Love?"

"I feel like we've been through this topic so many times," said Haruhi. Kaoru couldn't help it. He kept going back to it. Something wasn't quite _right_.

"I don't see why you have to choose," Haruhi answered. "They can't live without the other." And that was her final answer.

Kaoru tightened his hand around Haruhi's. "Who do you Love, Haruhi?"

"That's a very personal question," she said, glancing up from her book again.

"Friends tell friends," he nudged.

"Not when friends have big loud mouths."

"You're mean," he pouted, but he knew Haruhi would tell him.

"I think I Love lots of people," she said.

"You think. Be _specific_."

She sighed, a little aggravated. She wanted to _read_. "Honestly, I've never made a _list _of who I Love, Kaoru. Or love," she added, because she still felt putting love—or Love—oh just LOVE!—into categories was very unfair.

Kaoru's lips drew into a tight line. "Make one now."

"You are so demanding," she muttered, but made one anyway. "Mom and Dad, you all, various friends from elementary and middle school, many of the students here especially our class, my neighbors, I suppose Dad's boss and……I really love them all, Kaoru, this is list—all of it is really trivial." She gestured exasperatingly at the air.

There it was. The painful but clearly sincere, wholesome, very very _very __**blunt**_ truth. Haruhi loved _everyone_ and she loved everyone exactly the _same_.

Kaoru sighed. He was incredibly disappointed. She didn't even use specific names for anyone except for her mom and dad, and_—of all people!—_her dad's _boss_. 'You all,' she'd said. It was thrown in so casually, and so grouped together! It was like she didn't even consider them more specially than she was required to, like L/loving seemed to be a sort of _obligation_. And, it was hardly _trivial_.

"Do you have _any_ favorites?" he asked, straining to understand her brusque, detached, persona.

She had gone back to her book. "Hm?"

"Wait, no, let's start over. Do you have any sense of _distinction_?"

"Of course. Plants, animals, people, bacteria……we've gone over this in Biology."

He gawked at her. She was so _simple_. And at the most random times! Sometimes he didn't know if she was faking it—he actually began to suspect that she was, just to get out of having this conversation.

"Your plainness astounds me," Kaoru deadpanned. Haruhi would have taken it as an intended offense, if it weren't for an almost-smile on his lips. So she just breathed 'huh' and returned to her book.

"How do you know," he asked, breaking the just settled silence for yet another time, much chagrin to Haruhi's rarely impatient nerve. "How do you know when you Love someone? Or, rather, how do you know who you Love the most?" It didn't seem like something he should ask to Haruhi, of all people, but he had to _know_ and he needed to confirm it from _someone_, and Haruhi felt like the best choice.

"I don't really think there's a genuine answer for that," said Haruhi, not looking up from her book. "But I would say that you know who you Love most, when that person immediately comes to mind when you're asked who you Love."

"Ask me," he said.

"Ask you what?"

"Ask me who I Love."

She did. "Who do you Love, Kaoru?"

A face instantly to came to mind.

Slowly, he let go of her hand.

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**Author's Note:** The Thin-Thick line. I chose this title because I felt like it represented a lot of things about Haruhi, Hikaru, Kaoru, and their relationship. Haruhi is so simple that it makes her so confusing and complicated to understand for the Hosts, and in this particular fic, Kaoru. She is a walking paradox. Similarly, so are Hikaru and Kaoru. While Hikaru and Kaoru both are certain that they are each other's most valuable possession, they come to a knot when Haruhi is thrown in between. And while both twins are equally perplexed about their priorities, I feel like the confusion is an especially huge bundle for Kaoru. Kaoru is the one who always believed he had the leisure to let Hikaru grow and expand his ring of friends and love, but as Kaoru suddenly begins to realize that he too likes Haruhi more than he should, he seems lost as to where he should really stand. He wants Hikaru to be able to open to more possibilities, but at the same time he can't help but want to take the one thing that serves as a bridge to Hikaru's expansion. In the same way, Hikaru doesn't know what to do now that he knows Kaoru also likes Haruhi. Should he step back and preserve his loyalty to Kaoru, or claim Haruhi at the expense of his best friend? Confusion, confusion, confusion. The irony of it always astounds me, but I guess this is what Ouran is all about. Or maybe I am just thinking too deeply.


End file.
